Let’s talk self-love, shall we?

"Before we can thread together a life that rises in the presence of sorrow we must include loving ourselves through acts of self-care." Maria Sirois.

I’ve said before that masks cover the real you, and that masks are a way to protect yourself from facing your feelings - which is never a good thing. While masks can be protective, they can also prohibit your spiritual growth. And yes,  it is imperative that you grow spiritually.

The problem is that when we wear masks for years we lose sight of who we really are. The first step into living a more authentic life is becoming aware of the masks you wear and when you wear them. Being aware is a very big step.

The second step is learning how to love yourself. Most people don’t even know what that means, never mind how to do it. What you also may not know, is that self-love is the most important love there is. That’s because you can’t be love-ing if you don’t love yourself.

****A word to the men reading this blog: Self-love is not something you’ve been taught. Girls and women get this message from a very young age - not that we are ever particularly good at it, but we hear the message enough. You, men, must learn what self-love is so you can show up better in your relationships with your spouse, kids, work. Self-love doesn’t mean you are selfish. It means you live from a whole place. You, men, spend most of your adult lives so stressed out, which is not good for your soul, but also for your health. Please keep reading this blog so you can absorb what’s being said. In the future, I plan to run a “men only” workshop to help you all learn how to live a more fulfilled life.  Stay tuned ****

I’ve spent a lot of time this past year studying self-love. I’ve read books, articles, watched videos, and taken classes on the subject. I’ve learned what boundaries are and how to set them. I’ve learned that self-care is vital for both physical and emotional health. I’ve learned how to have compassion for myself. I've learned how to forgive myself (I will talk more about this one in another blog).

I want to share with you something I learned this summer that really sums up self-love nicely.

I went on the most fantastic retreat this summer to the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Stockbridge, MA.  (I highly recommend Kripalu - check it out!)

The center has programs running all the time but it also offers the opportunity for guests to create their own experience. They call it R&R (rest and relaxation). I went for R&R, which means I went with no agenda other than relaxing.

While I was there, I attended a class given by Dr. Maria Sirois. Dr. Sirois is an inspirational speaker, consultant, and licensed clinical psychologist who has worked in the fields of wellness and positive psychology.

I don’t remember the name of the class but it was about self-love and Dr. Sirois delivered the information so succinctly that I had the biggest AH-HA! moment since I'd started studying self-love. 

Self-love can be tricky to explain. No one is ever really sure what that means. Dr. Sirois told us to think of self-love as self-fullness.

She defines self-fullness as: the middle way between selflessness and being self-absorbed. If the pendulum swings too far to the selfless side, you care too much about others (always putting other’s needs first). If the pendulum swings over to the self-absorbed side, you tend to only care about yourself (never thinking or caring about other people’s needs or feelings).

So how do we achieve self-fullness?

Think of self-fullness as the center of a flower and stemming out from that center are the petals. Those petals represent the following (in no particular order):

•      Self-esteem - Defined by Dr. Sirois as bravery on your own behalf. Self-esteem grows when we witness ourselves in acts of bravery. It’s when we are afraid to do something and we do it anyway. Or when we do something we never thought was possible. Self-esteem begins with self. 
•       Healthy boundaries - being able to recognize when to walk away from those people who push our buttons. It is being able to know your limits and when to say no. It’s also learning that saying “No” is a complete sentence - it doesn’t need any explanation. Women have an especially hard time with this one.
•    Self-compassion - being kind to yourself, forgiving yourself, allowing what is, to be - whether that’s feelings or situations. Self-compassion is not mentally beating yourself up when you think you’ve failed or let someone down.
•       Positive self-regard - Honoring yourself, being your own best friend, respecting self. This one is similar and yet different from self-compassion.Are you proud of yourself, of your accomplishments? Do you treat your body, mind, and spirit with respect? 
•       Self-care - how do you nourish yourself? This can be exercise, reading, meditating, doing yoga, golfing, hiking, watching TV, listening to music. Doing something every day that gives you joy - or centers you.
•     Saying YES! - saying yes to the things that you want to do. Moms and Dads sometimes lose sight of this one because our lives are so hyper focused on making our kids’ lives full that we forget what makes us happy. Do something you love! Buy those concert tickets. Take that vacation. Sign up for that class. Do the thing you love but say you don't ever have time for. 
•     Daily practice - This is simply making sure that you are doing at least one thing on this list daily. It could also mean you have a daily mediation practice or exercise routine.  The idea is that you have to put yourself somewhere in your day.

You must be FULL so you can experience the love you deserve. It is up to YOU to make sure you are full. It’s not anyone else’s job. You are responsible for you. How you treat you reflects how others treat you. If you have healthy boundaries, self-respect, and high self-esteem then others will meet you there. It begins with loving yourself.

Take some time today to think about how you can be more self-loving. You need to feel good on the inside so you can radiate that to the outside.

Let me know if you need any help understanding any of this. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you.

As ever, and namaste.

Kathy